My life did not start when I was born. Nor does it start when my kids grow up, or when I get a great new career. It does not start when work is finished, or when I retire.

There is only one place where I can live my life. And that is right now, right here. It is in every decision I make. It is in how I treat the person standing in front of me. It is what I ate for breakfast. The only control I have is to live my life in this minute, this second. And to make it last for as long as I can.

Life is full of surprises.

Sometimes it shocks me how quickly life can change. I have been following a blog of a lady who had CF. And she was close to her deathbed. Really close, but at the 11th hour she got her new lungs, and now just three months afterwards, her life is just so full and beautiful. Life can change so easily. I try to remember that whenever I feel things are not going my way. That this too shall pass. That with a little positive thinking, and a smile on my face, that my life will not look so glum...and who knows what the next three months have in store for me! I am excited to find out!

How the School System fails kids

I have a little six year old boy. He is a sensitive type of kid and takes all things to heart. I love him for it. He also has had some trouble with his gross and fine motor skills, as well as his speech. So we have therapy to help him with all of this. Recently he had a little break through with his writing at school. Where his printing which was huge and out of control, has become smaller and much neater. He is extremely proud of this. Unfortuately, report cards are coming out from the school soon. And he is working really hard at everything, but he is not yet at par with his friends and classmates. I know that if he does not get a A on his report card that it is going to tear him up. It will ruin his confidence, and he will not be able to see his own accomplishments. This is where the school system fails kids. At the level of grade one, I just really feel that we should not be grading kids against each other. I wish the report cards would grade against the student themselves and their own accomplishments. His teacher is great, and always says how proud she is that he has come so far. But why destroy a childs self confidence by grading him against other students. I think at this stage we should be more encouraging of young people. Let them experience themselves and marvel at all the wonderful things they do. :)

Let there be Cake.

I was sitting at work the other day, and for no reason at all, I wanted cake. Chocolate birthday cake. I bought one, brought it home for my two little boys and I to eat. We put candles on the cake and sang happy birthday to the dogs. It is something so little, but my boys and I really enjoyed it. Each day after when we went to get another slice, we put candles on the cake, sang happy birthday and then each took a slice. And the joy in my boys eyes. They truly loved it. I hope that they will remember the little things in life like that. That you do not have to live with rules, and sometimes you can add a little slice of joy in your life...and it is simple...sometimes you just need cake and candles.

A Skinny Black Woman who is 4'2.

So my therapist made a break through for me the other day. I have always been so concerned with how I appear to other people. It has defined me. I have felt a failure because I don't live up to what others, and therefore, myself have expected of me. And I have always known...that it should not matter, it should have no effect on me what others think of me. But I did not know how to measure that feeling. I mean that I had no idea how I should feel if someone has passed judgement on me. The only thing I have known how to feel is deeply hurt. So my therapist in the middle of me explaining that I felt worthless, because I have not lived up to what society has deemed as successful...she looks at me and says seriously. And I think you are a Skinny Little Black woman. You are only 4'2, and dark as the night, almost too skinny. And of course I am none of these things...and part of me was curious of why she said this. But the part that mattered...dismissed what she said. I am not little, black or short. Anyone can see that. Well it made me think...why not dismiss the other things people may say about me?

So from now on I am going to try to take the judgements that get thrown my way with a grain of salt. People do not live my life. They do not know how I think. I am who I am...and who I am, I am beginning to love.

Trying to get through the block.

I am a resistor. I resist people and do not let too many people to get to close to me for very long. When first meeting me, I seem opened. But soon I am reflecting or confortational...I am endeavouring to remain opened. To listen to what people are saying to me. To not be so caught up in myself, and how I can change the conversation right back to myself.

The Brightness of the Sun.

Perspective is everything. Truly it is. If you have a problem and do as we all have done, and focus and complain about the problem...to our friends and family; sometimes even holding resentment and complain about it to ourselves, it just makes the problem worse, makes us feel worse. Where I am finding if I am upset about something, I try to focus on a solution. I turn my perspective to that of what I want. Focus on how to get there, and I feel better. Try next time, and enjoy the brightness of a new perspective.

My Intention today is to remain opened.

Because of the abuse I suffered as a child, I find that I lived most of my life closed to people. I suppose I did this as a matter of protection. I have been called aloof, and honestly I find it difficult to feel empathy or a connection with another. It is like I don't recognise that the people around me have lives, or emotions of their own. I am not a mean person. But I am ego-centric. If I am in a bad mood, the people around me will feel it, mainly because I will take it out on them. I also have very little tolerance for people. I just am curt and remain closed to them.

I am trying to open up. Trying to experiene empathy. I would like to remain opened today. To listen when people are talking with me. To let them talk if they wish it. To give them respect. That is my intention for today. :)

On a personal note...which I suppose this whole blog is. In order to fight my depression, last year I joined the Running Room and started running. Well honestly I did it to lose the weight I carry around with me. I started with the Learn to Run, and had a very inspirational leader called Monica. I joined the 5km clinic right after, and found a joy in running. Monica is still my running partner. Last fall, I ran a half marathon. Running gives me an opportunity to feel. To experience emotions. I believe that is why I continue with it. I am in the 10km clinic right now. I run with Monica once a week, or at least try. Last night I did a very difficult 8km. Many times on that run, I wanted to quit. To turn home. But I did not. I started to quit...started walking...thought about heading home. But then changed what I was thinking of...which was home...and continued on my way. I stopped three times, wanting to go home. But again...I started myself up again. I feel proud that I was able to finish. And the feeling after a run...is so well worth it. Runner's high. It is more like happiness. That is why I run.

My Journey......

My name is Julie, but lately I have been more fond of being called Jules. It has to do with the shift that I am experiencing in my life this past year. I am 36 years old, a wife, a mother of two boys, and yet I have had a troubling past, one that has created behaviours that I am attempting to shift.

Julie, has always been filled with self doubt and little self worth. I was sexually abused as a child, and the outcome of that changed how I view men, myself, and the world around me. I lived a very egotistical life. Worth was determined by how one looked, their profession, and how much money they had. Happiness was something that could only be gained from outside influence, it was an emotional reaction. Depression or aloofness were my general companions. To feel close to anyone is a difficulty. I have always felt as an outsider, even within my own family. I felt moments of connection, but generally, I felt that I did not belong.

But I don't want to live like that any more. I have been opening myself, slowly but surely through out a year. I still have a ways to go...but with reading such works as Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer and Abraham Hicks, I am opening more and more.....I am beginning to believe that I have purpose. I enjoy life and want to share that with you.